The Choices We Make

There comes a time where you realize that you should take stock. That you should really think about what you have, what you can do, how you want to continue, what choices you want to make in the future. These past few weeks, I've been making some big choices. Choices that could change everything for me, in the future.

Beware - this post is going to be long, and it's going to get into talk of suicide and depression. Reader discretion advised.

The Beginning

The first choice that really started all of this came from lifting myself back up after Chiara's death, and deciding to get into iOS development - the name Doregon is somewhat known in the jailbreaking community by now, and I'm mostly known for reviving jetsamctl, getting it to work on modern macOS. I'll probably drop a copy of it packaged for rootless later.

Going into the jailbreaking community was a very odd choice, and staying was even more weird - the community wasn't great when I started, and those in charge flaunt their power across it. It ended up getting me to leave the jailbreak developers ring, in pursuit of something that wouldn't hurt my mental health as much.

The elephant

I want to address getting banned from r/jailbreak Discord in early 2022. I was planning to leave the server after months of seeing the problem, and even being a part of it - and I wanted to stay in touch with people I considered friends. I started to send invites to my server to those who had asked - and a select few who didn't. I'm not going to dispute that as a valid reason to get rid of me, since it wasn't the brightest idea. I will, however, dispute the overreach in the second part of my ban: "harbouring incels".

My server had a few members who were recently banned because they had reported a girl in the server for being underage - she had said she was underage (and, as a moderator now, saying that it's a joke isn't really an excuse.) The admins of the server painted them incels, and did what they always do with people they don't like - show them in the wrong light. The fact that they cared that much aboutmy personal server having members that they didn't want in it - and they had the audacity to come into it and talk as if they owned any part of it - shows just how far and how bad their tyranny spreads in the jailbreaking community.

Tyranny that I still have to deal with, hearing about multiple occasions where the admins have plotted to ban perfectly good servers and shame people's names because they didn't get what they wanted. As a server owner, and a moderator of many others, I've matured and have been able to implement a system based on morals and ethics instead of what I want.

That's what I will continue to dispute.

Finding new paths

As my fondness of the jailbreaking community dwindled, I decided to step into other areas.

The Sanctuary (2.0)

It started by deleting the first Sanctuary. After a while, it had just turned into an r/jailbreak circlejerk, completely missing the point. To many people's disagreement, I shut it down and said I wasn't going to start another. I was done, tired, ready to give up... but then I made another.

Stella was the first human being I invited to the Discord server (following two bots and I), helping to establish a different community from the beginning. We had new ideas and left the bad blood behind. People come and go, but we've gotten to a little over a hundred people, which is honestly really nice. Not everyone talks, but that's okay: it's meant to be a safe place for everyone. It's still got work to do, and will always have work to do, but I trust the team I delegated as moderators and the community we've helped to build.

The robotic girl

In the name of Chiara, and something we both wanted to do, I decided to start working on virtual YouTubing. If there's one thing I really regret about this, it's setting unrealistic goals for myself and not taking the time to be fully-fleshed out. There were many problems with the rigging of the model, my editing of the videos, my scripting and rehearsing process, and even the audio and video setup themselves. Since I stopped streaming and recording, I've been trying to figure out where to go from here. Which problem to tackle first on the list, which has resulted in stagnation.

The legacy Macs

Getting into the legacy Mac community was, honestly, pretty good at first. I got along with the developers, (most of) the community, and knew quite a bit about the internals of macOS (somewhat inherited from iOS.) I regret being an asshole during the Ventura developer betas, where I was scolding many for no real reason. It was effective, but it was harsh.

After a while, things just started to sour. Whether it be working hard on research and development, sending in a pull request, and getting denied... or conflicts internally with developers over stupid little problems... the community slowly being more and more insufferable... the looming reality that OCLP isn't going to be on the latest macOS in a few years. A lot of it has just gotten to me as I've aged. Being a trial moderator is nice, and I hope to do a good enough job to get promoted, but I don't know if I'll stick around long enough to get a decision on my performance.

The Minecraft launcher

Taking a break from PojavLauncher was mainly caused by the disagreements I was having with the other developers and the community. Coming out as transgender in a community that didn't widely accept it was also very hurtful, and I got many messages from members telling me to kill myself or that I'm not valid. It did a number, and so I left. I still worked on it from time to time, and helping to manage partnerships and organization-related tasks is something I still focus on, but I still haven't fully recovered from the trauma.

I regret being an asshole to a lot of people during those few months. I've been able to put personal issues aside when working on things, and working on PojavLauncher again is something I still want to do. I have plans, I just need to get them done.

7922

Oh, boy. I have... a lot of hatred towards myself for how things have gone since Stella came to get me. With both of her parents being Mexican, her leaving was a major culture shock to her family, and even some of her friends. Michigan wasn't a great experience either, since we both struggled to make ends meet and had no resources to call upon. I wasn't completely patient with her, and there were many times where I was verbally abusive towards her - and I carry that with me every day, even when we're lovingly together.

I regret not considering what affects my decisions would have on her, for the longest time... and that's probably a regret I won't shake. It's one that I've nearly tried to end my life on, and one that continues to fuel the bad thoughts in my head.

10 Big Things

If I had known how things would go with Apple for both Stella and I, I would never have released that video. I detailed 10 things I wanted to work on, and said I was going to work on them.

iOS Projects

Malachite and Labradorite are started, and I intend to finish them. The motivation to do so has been severly hindered by Stella moving to Android and little use outside of myself, as well as no longer having a paid developer agreement with Apple. It's still my project, one I've spent many days and nights on, so I at least want to get a 1.0.0 out of it.

Hematite, Sapphire, and Carnelian are all on an indefinite pause. I might revisit them after Malachite or Labradorite are ready for an LTS release, but I just can't deal with that many projects at once. I overestimated my abilities and was too enthuasiastic, and I regret announcing them without a proper plan of action.

Other Projects

The Minecraft and Lighthouse (now Refresh instead) servers, Apple Specs API, and virtual YouTubing projects are still in progress - and I want to carry them out. I'm still motivated to work on these, since three out of four are related to server stuff (which I'm really good at doing, and doing when I say I'm doing to do it.) The virtual YouTubing... see above.

As for the last project, where I asked for your input. I still want to work on other ideas voiced by the community in the Sanctuary - and want to work with others on it too. It would be a nice change of pace, as a developer who has mostly worked solo for the past four years.

The wrong kind of Apple

I started my journey with Apple products because I enjoyed the ecosystem. I enjoyed the software, the hardware, and the way everything just worked together. You've all seen how that's been going over the past few months.

Living in a Surface Pro 9, unwilling to buy from Apple (directly) anymore, unsure if I want to keep getting iPhones. Alongside the uncertainty from the depression of Michigan, this is one of the biggest "ifs" of my life right now. I didn't prepare for a world without Apple products in my daily life, and I'm kinda just figuring things out as I go. I still have my M1 Pro 16-inch, set up as a server and now my desktop computer, which eases the transition.

There will be a lot of questions as to what I'll do when it gets dropped from support, though.

Present

Right now, I've got a lot of shit on my mind. I'm more suicidal, more upset, more depressed, and as each day passes I feel like I'm failing at more and more things. With the help of the Sanctuary, and the continued support of my beloved wife, my excellent father, and my closest sibling, I'm holding on. I'm slowly regaining my motivation, and gaining the strength to fight back at the thoughts that have kept me still for the past year. I'm trying new things - Windows, Xbox, and Android development - to increase my palette and figure out where I want to go and what I want to be involved in next.

While I have my regrets, I at least don't regret where I am now. I've made plenty of bad decisions, mistakes, and I've hurt my fair share of people. I'll carry those with me as I keep going.

Keep exploring,
- Eva